Setting boundaries with yourself
Shame is a powerful, body-altering experience, isn’t it? You’re going about your day, everything feels generally ok, and then you find out that you’ve disappointed someone.
Maybe it’s your child that you had to say no to. And they cry or scream.
Maybe it’s your mom when you canceled your visit. And she gives you the silent treatment.
Maybe it’s your friend when you RSVP’d no to their baby shower. And they pressure you to come anyway.
Maybe it’s your supervisor who expected more from your project at work. And they clamoring to find something positive to say.
Maybe it’s yourself…you who expected more out of yourself.
You can tell they’re disappointed in you. Their disappointment pushes you away. You feel like you’ve fallen short of their expectations and you feel terrible.
The lesson from shame
Shame is like quicksand, yes, but quicksand that’s trying to suck you in while you’re naked. It leaves you feeling exposed. Vulnerable. Alone. And scared. But what if shame is also there to show you where you need to see yourself?
If shame persists in silence and in isolation, then perhaps you need to be witnessing yourself first. If you saw a child feeling ashamed, what would you say to them? What would you reflect to them about themselves? What would you do?
That, I realize, is very hard to do when you’re in the thick of it, succumbing to the force of that quicksand, feeling as exposed as those dreams where you’re naked and defenseless in public.
A question to ask yourself
If it is hard to answer these questions, what about asking this, “What boundary of mine did that person’s expectation of me cross?”
See what comes up for you. Notice how it shows up in your body, how your posture changes, your movements change. The way to overcoming shame is in these somatic clues.
Shame is internalized disgust. And if there’s anything I know for sure, it’s that you do not deserve that turned on yourself, especially because, many times, that disgust is someone else’s that they’ve put on you.
You deserve compassion and care, especially after everything you’ve survived.
